kind of caring

the thing about going back to school for something you *kind* of care about BUT will pay the bills and contribute to an overall lifestyle you dream of IS: you kind of care about it.
Kind of caring about something means:
you want to be *kind* of good at it.
you have little spouts of OH. I made the right decision.
you have minor melt downs at using your creative energy to go towards something you mildly care about and not using it to write something you very much dream about but will certainly not pay the bills anytime soon.
Kind of caring means you try to split yourself in half to focus energy on the school and focus energy on the writing you want to do.
It means having moments of regret and maybe you should just get an admin job that you don't even have to kind-of-care about and you can focus all your energy on little creative projects you tend to care too much about.
On little creative projects that make life worth living but do not make a living.
well not yet.

girl frans.

I've got a lot of women in my life. Gals, girls, ladies, females I adore.

My friend. My best friend. My girl. My minute by minute life updates. My probably birthed from the same woman. My honest to goodness soul friend. My we relate on a deeper level because we went to high school together. My most proud of me friend.  My makes me laugh the most. My lets be honest about really deep life stuff. My "you will do this because you said you would". My new friend. My we relate because we both went to theatre school. My "OMG DID YOU SEE WHAT THAT FAMOUS PERSON POSTED". My too invested in said famous persons life. My humor mate. My always dancing. My always laughing. My gets it. My veggie queen. My let's talk about it. My let's just eat bad. My SCANDAL babe. My do you know what their sign is? My music taste compliment your music taste. My sends me articles. My gals. 

01.04.18

This time last year I was in an emotionally strange place. I was at a work event drowning in the life events that had happened from Thanksgiving-Christmas only to then fall into more emotional despair until about March or April of 2017. I say emotional despair in a sort of making fun of myself way. If you can imagine a very dramatic voice saying: "The beginning of 2017 was quite emotional for me" that would be my voice, making fun of myself for feeling the feelings that I once had. Making fun is my way to deal, to laugh and to remind myself that difficult times are just moments.
What happened?
Well,  my woes and willows (again picture a boisterous woman with a dramatic fan near her saying this)Last year, all at once my father was in hospital, my heart was really sad for an unrequited love, my body got a curable (after enduring the worst pain I have ever felt) disease and overall I wasn't happy. I was a little lost, scared for my father (so scared that I decided the best thing to do would be to not talk to him or reach out to him or think about him for 6 months).
 I was just dealing. All of these things are separate content tabs. My father is a whole story. The unrequited love is another. My own sickness isn't a story its just an OUCH and I can't believe it happened and a shout out to "GET ALL YOUR SHOTS FOLKS"

Lots of stuff happened in 2017- A LOT. I moved to a different apartment away from my boys, my best friends, my family in Chicago. The move alone brought me !!!dRaMa!! and also cue to my sick father I talked about earlier moving in with me for a short two months.
 I went to China honestly out of nowhere but wow. what an amazing experience.
I started a portfolio program for Copywriting and have fallen in and out of love with it for months. I am usually confident in big decisions but I have a lot of questions as to if I made the right one with this program.

EDIT: ***after writing this I hung out with some girls I have met through the portfolio program and I've chatted with some good friends about post college programs and setting yourself up for future success and I know I have made the right decision.***

 I finished a comedy program, that I really didn't think was for me but I can honestly say from all the institutions I have been a part of (OSU, UCO Theatre, CPS, Other Comedy School & another comedy program & a few film classes) This program, I worked at. I cared. I put in effort. I made a commitment like I have never made before. I feel really proud. My work paid off and I believe it's an indication of the type of work that lights me up. The work I will lose sleep over. (said in a less sobbing more full of pride- lady but yes still dramatic) 

So let's talk about today. Today, I am  full of LO LO LO LO-VE for a few reasons.

My Dad is healthy and I think happy and I have a lot to look forward to. 

2018 is kind of a year of <IT'S UP TO ME> 

meaning there are no steps to success anymore. 

no more programs I just MUST complete to make a connection in this theatre or that theatre or learn from this teacher; from here it's apply what you have learned. 

Minus Portfolio which is still kind of ... you are on your own and we will give you "some guidance" 

I still feel like I don't know what I am doing. 

But it's settled. 

It's more of a floating in a little tube unsure of the destination than a laying in a room that is full of feathers and just inhaling feathers and seeing feathers and smelling feathers until you just want to die sort of thing. 

I don't know- weird. 

still running wild. 

Sierra