Friday, August 16, 2013

be always blooming

here’s the thing,
I hoped to go to California and come back with the show stoppin, rump shaking, make you do a double take CONFIDENCE. I hoped to come out basically Beyonce. (or any of the pussy cat dolls or missy elliot)
Unfortunately, I am still a curly headed white girl who gets awkward around large groups, who gets a deeper voice when explaining stories, who may or may not have made a child cry by manly screaming when she saw pretzels at the mall* and who can make ordering food an awkward wordy conversation rather than a simply ordering.
The difference now is that I am not afraid of that person.
I am not afraid of being myself. I will tell you that it may take me awhile to warm up to you but I don’t fear awkward confrontations anymore. I have confronted myself with all the weird attributes I may have and been okay with the person I have become. I used to get down on myself like why am I not a go getter, why can’t I approach a group of attractive guys and say all the great things and have the charm of Lea Michele?Why cant I approach a stranger with out getting sweaty and laughing and maybe talking under my breath? Why does it take me forever to ask for what I want & why do I constantly judge myself on the person I am?
The first part of California I spent a lot of time alone, I mean Marissa was there and I had my internship but when she was at work and I wasn’t working, I was alone. Spending a lot of time alone makes you face the person that you are and in my case instead of hating or loving who I am, I realized I never actually gave myself credit for being good. I never actually allowed myself to like myself, I would just beat myself up when I failed at things I am just not ever going to be good at doing.
Now, I am not saying I am a completely changed  go-getter but I am working on it and instead of beating myself up I am okay with the goofy, insecure things I do. I can voice my ideas within the theatre world and not feel extremely insecure about it because they may not be great but they can grow into something. I have accepted the fact that business calls and confrontations will never go smoothly with me. I will never not be awkward or not have a moment of “….what….” with someone. I am happy with the fact that because I am the way I am, I probably have the best people in the world by my side. I only have people that make me feel good about the person I am;
and just for a rule of thumb if anyone ever makes you feel weird about being you, go ahead and kick them to the curb, you will be better for it.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

back to the simple life

What a summer.
I have been thinking about this post —  all summer. I tried to predict what I would feel or what I say– I would recite clever lines in my head like “the rest is still unwritten” or “I am in love with the art of performance” just silly lines to fuel my final CALIFORNIA post. But honestly– I am at a loss for words. I have been back for a little while and it has taken me a lot longer to talk about my feelings than I ever expected.
The summer opened my eyes to a completely different world. A world that is dirty, expensive, full of traffic– but so overwhelmingly beautiful. I am so beyond blessed to have experienced this. I SAW KRISTEN WIIG IN REAL LIFE PERFORMING. That was a life goal and I accomplished it. I have said I wanted to move to L.A. since I was a little girl and all my childhood friends can vouch for that. I wanted to take classes at The Groundlings– DONE. I wanted to live in L.A. and I did it. I can say now that  I am back it is kind of like a reverse culture shock. California feels like a dream or like some alternate universe  I made up in my head. Its very strange.
So, what will I do now… That is what is scary, I am always working toward something– or having a plan for what my future holds and at this very moment I can only say WHO THE HELL KNOWS.
I know I want to take more IMPROV  classes. I know I want to be as talented as The Groundlings  I saw performing all summer and  I am confident that with training and heart I can do that. I want to check out Chicago and see how I like that city. Maybe I will end up back in California.
For now I am back.. and I am going to take little steps to inspire that goal setting soul I have. I am excited for my final year of college, so much good to come.