Friday, August 16, 2013

be always blooming

here’s the thing,
I hoped to go to California and come back with the show stoppin, rump shaking, make you do a double take CONFIDENCE. I hoped to come out basically Beyonce. (or any of the pussy cat dolls or missy elliot)
Unfortunately, I am still a curly headed white girl who gets awkward around large groups, who gets a deeper voice when explaining stories, who may or may not have made a child cry by manly screaming when she saw pretzels at the mall* and who can make ordering food an awkward wordy conversation rather than a simply ordering.
The difference now is that I am not afraid of that person.
I am not afraid of being myself. I will tell you that it may take me awhile to warm up to you but I don’t fear awkward confrontations anymore. I have confronted myself with all the weird attributes I may have and been okay with the person I have become. I used to get down on myself like why am I not a go getter, why can’t I approach a group of attractive guys and say all the great things and have the charm of Lea Michele?Why cant I approach a stranger with out getting sweaty and laughing and maybe talking under my breath? Why does it take me forever to ask for what I want & why do I constantly judge myself on the person I am?
The first part of California I spent a lot of time alone, I mean Marissa was there and I had my internship but when she was at work and I wasn’t working, I was alone. Spending a lot of time alone makes you face the person that you are and in my case instead of hating or loving who I am, I realized I never actually gave myself credit for being good. I never actually allowed myself to like myself, I would just beat myself up when I failed at things I am just not ever going to be good at doing.
Now, I am not saying I am a completely changed  go-getter but I am working on it and instead of beating myself up I am okay with the goofy, insecure things I do. I can voice my ideas within the theatre world and not feel extremely insecure about it because they may not be great but they can grow into something. I have accepted the fact that business calls and confrontations will never go smoothly with me. I will never not be awkward or not have a moment of “….what….” with someone. I am happy with the fact that because I am the way I am, I probably have the best people in the world by my side. I only have people that make me feel good about the person I am;
and just for a rule of thumb if anyone ever makes you feel weird about being you, go ahead and kick them to the curb, you will be better for it.