Always a background character & more on theatre.

If I remember correctly the very first time I was on stage was during a live nativity scene. I was four-years-old and I was playing a background star (an actual star). The next time I was on stage was in the third grade, the play was the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf and I was a townsperson. I had one line and in my most pathetic performance voice I would say: "Who will save us now?"

After my successful career as a background star and a townsperson, I could tell that this was the life for me.

I then went on to play roles such as a business women in my 8th grade play, a gentlemen suitor in my first high school musical, the role of Girl in my first college one-act, the Waiter in my first college show, and the Solider in my first college Shakespeare show.

I was the unknown character of your dreams. I'd like to say I was a stand out. I'd like to say directors groveled on the floor when they realized what they had done. How had they cast such a shining star as a background character? But no, I would play my character to it's full potential. Straight laced. The girl, the solider, the star. 

It seems like I would have given up at this point, right? Nope, I took a real hard look at my acting resume and said, "I guess I'll make a career out of this."

Seems reckless, seems like a silly thing to do, seems not so practical, seems like any logical person would take their college success and compare it to their real-life potential, right?

I don't know what possessed me to believe that acting was the end all be all for me but I'm sure glad it did. I haven't ever really thought of myself as a confident person; I'm more of a fake it, all the time, anytime until everyone believes you. So it wasn't confidence that brought me here. 

I think at first it was proving a point. Proving that I am good enough to be a leading lady and actually if I'm not your leading lady I will go ahead and create my own leading lady and be her. I think it's my belief that talent is not measured by certain people's approval.

I am just now realizing that nothing really gives me validation, but I keep on playing. It's really just because I enjoy it. I find a lot of happiness in playing make believe with good people.   

***Here are a few characters no one asked me to play (with makeup by Tyle Bivens) so why not go ahead and try to play them professionally.  

still running wild

But the running has been 

at times

in circles 

in one straight line 

with hurdles

with confusion 

in a dead sprint 

in a slow jog 

in a watching the world move while I sit

while I play Mario Kart

while I pet my dog

while I laugh with my roommate

while I scroll instagram

while I drink coffee

at different shops

while I cry because money

because illness has hit my family

 running wild and searching 

searching for a meaning 

searching for what is important 

family?

dreams?

careers?

travel?

friendships?

romantic relationships?

still running wild.

playing make-believe 

playing make-believe on a stage

running in a dead sprint 

running so much that I can't breathe 

running so little that I feel worthless 

running towards light 

running with light

trying to prove to myself that I am my own light.

still running. 

still running wild. 

embracing the natural.

So, excuse my absence... but I guess I am ready to update or rather just to write really.

Moving to a new city is the most exciting/exhausting thing. It opens up so many weird emotions. First of all, I know moving to Chicago was the perfect decision for me. I am beyond grateful that I was at a place in my life at 23 to move to the city of my dreams.

I feel like my life has changed dramatically every single month and that is partially because I am such a lunatic. I've had to really ask myself "what is important to me" on a daily basis and from the outside looking in my life seems pretty crazy but it is making more sense to me as time goes on.

So, heres the deal- I hate starting with this because I hate that our day-job defines us. I hate that the first thing people ask you is, "What do you do?" and that automatically defines how others view you. We are so much more than our professions. I know, jobs are important. We spend a lot of time working so it is interesting to ask people what they do. However, I think its important that we ask people, "What makes you happy?" first and foremost and then get the job questions later.

That is something I could rant about forever.

Anyway, I don't have a normal 9-5 job. I tried it for a few months, I gave it my best shot, I even bought a damn cardigan and cute patterned business pants that you see all over pininterest but something about routine and working in Humans Resources really kills every other aspirations in my life.

  Now, I don't even have the same job everyday of the week. Actually, I'm lying; I'm still trying to figure out what my job really is.

I'm interning at a theatre, I'm box-office tending at another theatre in exchange for classes, I'm teaching cycle classes and honestly any other group fitness classes I can weasel my way into; I'm working hard and dedicating my time to things that may or may not work out for me. I am a self-proclaimed risk taker.

Which is scary and over-whelming and insane and apparently not very attractive to a 9-5er who is looking for something a little more serious but not with you because you kind of have your head in the clouds and you're a bit too dreamy.

Well, I am.

Truly.

I make rash decisions, that are almost always emotionally driven. Then I run from my emotions, bury them deep inside my soul and hide from all feelings that make me human. Its a constant battle. I blame the Pisces in me.

So, life is weird but I am a very hungry person.

And if that makes me a dreamer... well I'm not the only one.

boom.

Cheers!

Sierra Carter

Month one in a new city & this is how I survived.

By:  Panicking. Settling. Finding new coffee shops. People watching. Window Shopping. Saying Hi first. Being Patient. Drinking Wine. Reading. Applying. Panicking. Settling. Writing/ more than I ever have-  for me/. Exploring. Running. Waking up Early. Learning. Taking Classes. More walks with my dog. Stretching. Discovering. Holding on tight. Lots of Phone Calls. Reality TV. Trusting. Having Donuts. Having Kristin. Having Friends Back Home. By eliminating or trying to eliminate self-hate. Reading the News. Walking. Emailing. Going. And Going. To a bar, to an audition, to a class, to talk to a stranger-Running & Running Wild. 

6 days in the big city.

6 things to note about my life as an official city girl- with no job but big dreams (mostly of donuts and not falling up the stairs every time I go to the train) 

1. Phone Calls have become a regular thing for me; having no set schedule makes me more of an annoying friend to all those back home; when all I do is walk my dog & check my email for hopefully job interview offers I become slightly obsessed with calling certain people; so thank you friends- I promise soon I will have more to say then... I basically did nothing today and Benjy is pooping regularly. 

2. I will always believe that everything happens for a reason. This is especially true when I meet people day to day to find more projects more connections more leads on anything I need in my life. With persistence everything will eventually fall into place and if it doesn't it wasn't supposed to in the first place. 

3. Running in this neighborhood makes me feel slightly more badass but also kind of like a dweeb- its a battle, really. 

4. The amount of time spent people watching, drinking coffee and wandering aimlessly around has significantly increased in the past four days. I think this is important exploring time for anyone thats new to a city- it was not intentional to have time to do that but it has been a positive. 

5. Today at the grocery store (the grocery store is probably one of my favorite places to go) an employee, that I was almost always in the way of, gave me a free bouquet of flowers as I was leaving. This is important to note because he didn't ask for anything in return, it was just a simple gesture of kindness and I really loved that. 

6.  Job hunting is nonsense; being honest with yourself is necessary; trusting the process is the way to live. 

Cheers! 

Sierra 

the waiting period.

Officially I have been in the "adult" world for five months; Really quickly, lets define the "adult" world. I say it is having a job that takes up most of your time, an 8-5 or if you are really ambitious you work longer hours or whatever, basically you are not in school anymore, your schedule is more set in stone & you actually have to think twice before going out on Thursday nights. 

There are a lot more things that define an adult- age, maturity, paying bills, doing taxes, setting back an IRA, stop watching Spongebob, you know the basics. 

Lately it has been a struggle because in my life, I am set in a half-way point. I have just been wavering in the water waiting for a set date to come along. Which I think is sometimes necessary to move forward; for example if you want your own apartment, you might have to live with your parents for one more year to afford that apartment. In my case, I wanted to move to Chicago but I needed to save some money and pick a date to move. So in this last five months I have just been waiting on myself, waiting on myself to commit to working two jobs, to pay off my last credit card bill from Europe, to decide that I can live without a few things and I can actually just load up my car with whatever fits and go. 

I have learned a few things in this waiting period:

I do not do routine well, forced routine, that is. I can commit to a workout routine and do it everyday, I can eat the same lunch every day but I will go crazy in a normal job, seeing the same people, printing the same reports, doing the same task everyday. It was weird because when I was in Europe; doing the exact opposite of an 8-5 job, I could not wait to come home and enter the working world. I had these thoughts because I am a people pleaser and I think it is impressive when someone has a full-time job that they love at a young age. I have learned this though: I do not have to have a job or even a life that appeases to what other people perceive as my success. In the most un-adult sense people can suck it. I have to remind myself of this everyday. 

I hate hate hate waking up before 6 AM- Please whatever job I get myself into in Chicago do not make me wake up before that hour. (I don't think that unreasonable) 

Sometimes, its okay to not get closure- with friendships or relationships. Sometimes the trying to get closure hurts more than you could possibly imagine.

I still think Zac Efron is sexy as hell. 

If things are right, they will happen. 

The second I turned 23----> hangover. Sad day when I have to think twice before drinking 16 bottles of wine, now my body won't be able to run, let alone move in the morning. 

As cheesy as it sounds, it is important for me and for you, whoever; to love yourself. forgive yourself. be in awe of being you because no one else is going to do it; no one will teach you how to love yourself. When I began loving myself a little better in these last five months, I started naturally leaving whatever wasn't healthy. To me its important to stop admiring the light and be the light. 

Waiting period, as awful as I think it has been, served a purpose. 

Cheers! 

Sierra 

love list

1. Currently obsessing over any room that is white; white couch, white bedding, white throws; If anyone was looking to kidnap me- just put me  please give me the coziest white wonderland room and I promise I will never leave. 

2. TrueNorthCollection Headbands: If you look at their page on Etsy, you can see all of their cute options and they are only $7.00. I love headbands, however I always feel like I look more cone headed than happy go lucky in a headband- with the exception of the TrueNorthCollection. These headband are thick and DO NOT SLIP, which I think is super important if you like to wear headbands while working out. The material is soft and silky and overall they are great little headbands.

3. NICKEL & SUEDE earrings: They are the cutest earrings ever- I found their site on instagram and have been eyeing them ever since. I have not actually bought any earring because there are so many options and I cannot commit to the ones I want but I plan on buying some in the near future. 

4. Perfect Fit Protein- I have actually been obsessing over anything and everything ToneItUp related, if you have not heard about ToneItUp their website is actually worth checking out- especially if you are trying to get fit for the summer or just for life. I like their protein because they offer a ton of recipes to make! Last night I made their PerfectFit Protein Pancakes and I plan on making their Cherry Tart tonight, I have yet to try it in a smoothie (so I plan on doing a separate ToneItUp post all together)

5. AdoreMe.Com I have never been into lingerie or any matching bra and pantie set- It is shocking if I make it out of the home with a real bra on... (Team Sports Bra) I received the Valentine VoxBox from Influenster and it came with a free set of lingerie, my choice, from AdoreMe.Com - AdoreMe is similar to fabeletics.com or justfab.com where you sign up for a membership and get a monthly set of (clothing/shoes/workout gear) for a set price. I like the bra and panties I ended up with- they are comfortable and super cute! The site is helpful by giving you a small test when you sign up to figure out what kind of lingerie you would like. AdoreMe might have changed me. I received these products free from Influenster but all the opinions are my own. 

6. Adulting: how to become a grown-up in 468 easy(ish) steps or less: I have been reading this book off an on for the past week, it is an easy read and extremely helpful if you feel like you need to get your life together- it covers everything from cooking & dating to friendships & etiquette. Its a nice read when you feel like you don't have time to read.