Friday, May 23, 2014

If the people living below me wrote us a letter.

I have been expecting a letter from our downstairs neighbors from the moment we moved in. I have also expected numerous noise complaints and maybe even a few police appearances however none of that has happened. Let's be clear, we do not throw crazy parties or play our music that loud; we are just an active bunch and we make a lot of noise that we cannot control.

 I can only assume the tenants living below us have nothing but love for us.
 if we ever receive  a letter from them I assume it would say something like this;

Hello you elephants living in the apartment above me, 

I'd like to start by saying that the amount of activity you guys have going on up there is impressive. I can never exactly tell what you are doing but I am going to assume you are either 
A. building a time machine or 
B. giving dance lessons to 55 overweight men who are simultaneously throwing pumpkins on the ground. 
Whatever is happening up there, it is extremely impressive.

I'd also like to say I am a woman with a family down here; I know you guys have barely seen me and if you have seen any person coming out of my apartment they have moved swiftly, much like a scary asian child in a horror film but yes people live here. 

I thought you guys would get the hint to be quiet when you first moved in by our constant banging on the ceiling but it seems you have ignored our loud request. Thank you though, banging on the ceiling is a fun activity we like to do now; even when you guys are not making much noise at all. 

Also, I think all of you should pursue singing; please do. I know I enjoy the musical stylings of apartment 18;  specifically I enjoy the songs while one of you is in the shower singing and another time is when you guys are just shouting songs in many different octaves. It is an added bonus when your dog joins in by howling. 

Speaking of your dog, it scares me, okay? I am glad I could come out and say it. One time we met around the corner and he is terrifying. I know I reacted as if he was a hippopotamus trying to eat me but I was truly taken back by the dog and the girl walking it. 

You all must also know that I am quite convinced that if we EVER made eye contact my soul would turn to dust, so therefore I avoid it at all cost. 

So thank you for living above me; I'd prefer for you guys to be a little quieter and maybe not ever cook food because the burnt fumes waft into my home but I am glad we could finally communicate. 

Sincerely, the mysterious people downstairs.