Monday, April 14, 2014

if I'm being honest.

I saw this thing on pinterest and it said something like: 

"I am always caught between, I wanna be skinny & treat yo self" 

to which I was like re-pin, re-blog, re-tweet over and over and over because THAT SAYING TOTALLY GETS ME. 

So then I was thinking more, as I often do, and I came to a conclusion that I am just caught in a lot of things. 

I am getting a B.F.A in Theatre and I have no promising outcomes. I am graduating from college with no commitments, no moving on motives, no I am saving to eventually.. blah blahs - I am graduating with a piece of paper and some dreams, that have kind of gotten lost somewhere in this last semester.

I know what the original dream was, the dream to be an actress, that is still the ultimate dream but fear and other factors have gotten in the way of that ultimate dream. 

Young me would be so mad right now. What happened to fearless Sierra? What happened to that girl, who worked harder than ever towards her CLEAR GOALS? Who didn't fear a little struggle, she just lived for the next step in her ultimate goal? 

What I would say to that young one, is that me now, started thinking about parts of life that really matter and me now can admit that I am scared, I am very scared and it is not easy. I can't figure out what I want for myself. 

I am caught between wanting to just go out and move and experience the struggle of an aspiring actress & not wanting to lose my love for the art by getting beating down.

I am caught between admiring my close friends that are going to Grad School and immediately going into a work force of their choosing; they have solid, admirable plans and I am envious but I could make those decisions for myself; I just chose not to. 

I am caught between waiting for Zach Efron to propose to me and nothing... I'll wait forever Zach. 

I am caught between loving my friends so much and wanting to stay near them and justifying that decision by giving myself examples of couples who stay near each other post grad; my friends can be just as important to my life as a boyfriend would be right?

 I am caught between wanting to travel and wanting to commit to something

And then I think... as stressful and as unpromising as this degree may be, there is really something beautiful about it. 

I have no expectations therefore failing really is not an option, I have no commitments so if something comes up and it eventually will, I wont have to stress out about the previous commitments I have made.

Everything is up to me. Where I go from here is up to me.

Sure, it's going to be nuts. I will probably be working towards something different every three months.

I will live for the moments that move me; the moments where I have a realization of my path; the moments that make me feel so great about the art I put out; the moments that I feel scared; the moments that I want to run away from a goal; the moments I run towards a goal.

Less than a month from now I will not be moving, I will not be getting a job that I work at for the next 5-10 years, I will not be enrolling in Grad School- I will be just.. running wild.

after that rant who’s trying to date me?